625 Moons and counting! - Externalising the story of my past, present and future through the landscape metaphor!

Like all stories, mine is a nested story. 

Stories within stories.

Yet it starts at the very beginning - a very good place to start.

When you sing we begin with DO RE ME , when we read we begin with ABC, when we tell a story we begin with

One upon a time.... there lived a person who knew a huge big tree! Let me open the door to the landscape of my birth and growing up. It was a Forest of Adventure!

We had a huge tree near our lunch ground in school and the moment bell rang we would call dibs on who would get to climb the tree and eat while sitting on it. Life was full of adventure.

The Magic Faraway Tree by Enid Blyton was my favorite book growing up and climbing trees was my favorite thing to do. Every day was an adventure. I eagerly looked forward to the new day – not for the studying part, but for the newness that awaited me at school and dance and sometimes music class!

Dance class was in a community hall with place to play in front and even huge gulmohur trees! My dance teacher was tall and graceful, let me see...like the elegant coconut tree?!

Then we were all the Flame of the Forest ( Gul Mohur) bursting into movement from time to time! Programmes, performances, stage, make up, costumes, coming together as a group in synchrony like the trees that sway to the gentle breeze. We were in the sacred grove of life.

Music class was the wind that blew beneath my wings. Sometimes strong, sometimes mild, sometimes seen and sometimes not, but a continuous presence and a constant hum around us like a humming bee! Home was my cocoon as I waited impatiently to grow my wings and to fly from this space with a new identity. Life was easy and privileged.

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Just pausing for a moment to reflect and share,  that completing 50 years on Earth in this body has been a unique experience. (Of course, I don’t know any other body or face!) All the experiences that have followed me, chased me or just come to me by virtue of the choices I made, has culminated in me becoming who I am. I have arrived!

My life has been my ally. Privilege has been part of my life from the time of my birth. Born to a socially happening couple who already had a girl child; I was a rather quicker than expected entry into their lives in 1974, just a year and 10months after their first-born Kavitha bestowed upon them the role and rank of parents/ parenting!

My childhood was filled with movement, play, dance, music and sisterhood. A brother who arrived 6 years later became a toy to play with. We fought, we played, we read together. We were voracious readers, taking after my mother, who at any given time would be reading 3 books parallely. It is no wonder that we all became storytellers!

~~~

I was pushing boundaries and challenging norms at an early age, participating in sports, even if I had not much stamina for it. I was an explorer, forever trying out new ways to engage with the world. I loved being on stage and volunteered for plays, dances, group songs and elocution. Now when I think about it, I preferred being part of a team, rather than push for individuality and perhaps that is where the seeds for community were sown in me.

Taking the lead and being part of a team became a common pattern in my life and college was filled with NCC and cultural activities. Art, music, drama – Ilyal, Isai and Natakam in Tamil, were my companions and continue to be so! I went on to do my PG Diploma in Special Education and marched into a world that challenged my creativity and empathy in many unique ways. It shaped me for my future.

I was alive, vibrant, curious and fearless. 

 ~~~

Then the Tree swayed, the lands rotated and I suddenly found myself in adulthood – stepping into the land of Difficult Choices.The landscape of my life changed dramatically at this point as I made the decision to marry. I wanted to experience motherhood - (just to remind you I am no Sushmita Sen and did not envision any other route to parenting other than marriage!!) and much to my parents surprise accepted to go the arranged marriage route and agreed to commit to a man I met twice! Destiny!

The mountain loomed ahead of me.The Difficulty of Choices faced me. From the Forest of adventure, I entered the Land of Difficult Choices. 

The Mountain of Responsibility, Accountability, Ownership loomed ahead of me, it was camouflaging the Mountain of Motherhood! I skipped into this land with no inkling of what was ahead of me.

Looking at the mountains looming ahead, the terrain rocky and filled with thorns. They were thorns of harsh words, doubt, manipulation and toxic meaning making. The cliffs of despair were waiting for me to slip and tumble over.

The sky was ominous and filled with deep resentment, that could burst and fall on me at any time. Hiding in this landscape were the creatures of doubt and shame and “not enough” waiting to scratch on my skin, suck my blood and bleed me till I lost sense of who I am.

The path leading over the mountain was barren and lonely. They all seem to be leading to nowhere. The path over the mountain, I know, could lead me to a valley. A valley where I saw myself hiding my authentic self in a sheath of pretense.

Then I notice by now I hold in my hands 2 beautiful saplings. They were my reason. They were my responsibility, my treasure and this is what I had to hold onto as I crossed this landscape.

I made mistakes I drop one of them and pick them up just in time to prevent too much of hurt. I don't water them properly. I am lost and bewildered most of the time and at other times angry and sad. I stumble and fall with my burden, but…I don’t let go. I hold on, I am fiercely protective, praying for the strength to carry these 2 saplings over the mountain, through the valley and hope that I will find the right space to place them. They help me find my path, they become the pathfinders of my life.

I was in this Bardo - liminal space. I was heavy with unshed words and tears. I had to find a  way out, to navigate myself (for there was no one else there to help) out of there.

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Let me now take you to the past and let us dialogue with the Landscape of my past.

I ask the Landscape,"Were these my toughest years?"

The tough Mountain says: 

Yes and you were shaped by those experiences. You placed one foot in front of the other and stayed on the path, no matter what, even if it felt impossible, you kept going, knowing that ultimately you needed to find a safe space for your saplings and that way you would get there. That was your deepest desire. To find a safe space for your saplings.You were in a doing mode…moving, reacting, persisting, acting.

 Do you know what you discovered on the top?

💃Me: I realised I had more courage and strength than I had when I started. I developed a shield/ armour of resilience around me. I had learnt many acts of resistance and wielded it to protect myself and my saplings. I responded in ways I did not realise I could, but that came from my deepest values! Then I continued walking and hit the bottom of the valley. 

What does the valley represent?

The Silent Valley replied : Yes, your journey to the valley was your toughest but also the most learning intensive. Once you reached the valley it was a period of pause, to reflect, to understand, to breathe. It was necessary for your growth as you had reached your lowest point. I am the low point but also the crucible of stillness, acceptance, letting go and change. One can say the slowing down at the hairpin bend! 

This is where you thought of all the people who influenced you. Remembering the strengths that they gave to you. Do you remember who or what came to your rescue?

💃 Me :  Yes, suddenly in the valley, I came across a tall bush that gave off a lovely fragrance – a memory was triggered. It was the smell like the night queen or the Parijatha flowers, or the Devil’s October Tree subtle and sweetly intoxicating. Carried by the gentle wind it arrived with a question: Where is your smile? (a smell trigger memories). I also remembered my grandmother’s hard-working hands and that it was her constant reminder to keep my hands busy that carried me from here.

That fragrance from my past was a reminder.  It helped me remember my past selves, my past ways of being. The curiosity I used to carry, the joyful nature I had lost on my journey up the mountain and down the valley. I smiled again. By doing so, I reclaimed myself and my other way of being.

I plucked some of the leaves from the bush to carry with me –A reminder to find myself, my smile again. I carried this fragrance with me from the valley. With this reminder to find the change in me, I flowed like the river.

The deep Flowing Water says: Yes, you worked hard to stay afloat in the river. You floated in the meandering river. You didn’t just float, you swam against the current and you thrived. You flowed from the valley and created a path that was your own. When you dived into my flowing water, you experienced a movement into the unconscious and inner worlds and discovered new meaning for yourself. Did you enjoy my company?

💃Me: Of course, from the time I left the valley, I have followed you, flowing Stream of Consciousness and you were with me as my inner guide and my higher self. I found, invented, discovered a new meaning for myself. I found my love again and again in story, storytelling , music, dance, drama, art, language, making, creating, doing ,being, holding, and most of all in loving (myself and others). I found my soulmate in Storytelling. I found renewed meaning in the world around me. Meaning that gave me joy, happiness, peace.

It was not easy. Sometime the turbulence in the waters made me feel un-tethered and adrift. Even now sometimes I feel that way, as if I am fighting this stream. 

I have not reached my shore. (am I ready for that yet?) But I am reminded that life is flowing and I flow with it…I look for guidance from time to time and most of my answers I find when I turn inwards, into me. Guidance has come from my intuition, from myself…I wonder who is guiding me?

Hey Look There: I see my eternal companion emerge from those waters. They are a being capable of being born again and again. Though born from the water, they are made of fire, malleable, light and free.

A Garuda – an eagle phoenix. A towering personality, its wings expand to reach and touch many lives. They inspire me, a sense of awe fills me as they speak with a clear voice.

“I was always within you and walked this path. Yet only now have you been able to see me in this form. What do you think has made that possible?”

💃Me: Narrative Practices? …heheh. 

It is finally accepting that this is who I am. The broken bits, the false, inauthentic pieces, the selfish parts, the greedy, the giving, kind and loving bits are all me and the stories that make me. It is finally choosing my stories and preferred ways of being, that has shown me.

I am also slowly letting go of what people think of me and pleasing others and choosing to do what my being resonates with and reminding myself to smile and not take living so seriously!

You have always been my companion? Tell me what is the best memory you have of our time together in the past.

💖Garuda : The best memory is that you chose love, forgiveness and dialogue again and again over hate, anger, disconnect and judgement and that is your gift. 

What is the one thing you would like to change in your past?

💃Me : Thank you for this and I wish I had started my career with Psychology! That would have changed everything for me! Never mind!!

Now Garuda what do you hope for us from this moment into the future?

💖Garuda : You should tell me! I am hoping we are always walking side by side and I can let you know at every moment you are the best version of yourself and that it gets better every day as you discover new ways and new paths to reach your goal.

Do you know your goal?

💃Me : I don’t like to keep goals, it feels very finite and limiting. I feel I am gathering life experiences. I am living a life of meaning – however simple it may be, but it must bring me joy, happiness and connection. I should continue to do all those things that bring these feeling to me.

What is your magical power Garuda?

💖Garuda : my magical power is Mudita -joy in seeing other’s happy. I feed on LOVE and burp out sweet-smelling intentions that spread meaningful connection!!

My magical power is that I can be many selves. I can reinvent myself again and again. I may look like a frog outside, yet I carry an eagle inside me. I am what I choose to be and still remain true to myself.

My magical power is that I am a builder. All the magic I need I carry within me, within my imagination and I use it to build bridges of connection.

💖💃Me:  Oh WOW!! That makes so many things possible. You fill me with HOPE and POSSIBILITY of being what I want to be.

I am reminded of this song from Chinnari Mutha: Rehe Iddara Sake;

It is not mere eyes that we need, we also need a landscape to see. It is not mere voice we need, we also need a song to sing together.

The Plum village has a song : 

Nowhere to go, Nothing to do, But I am not in a hurry

Happiness is here, Happiness is now, I am not my worries

Happiness is here, Happiness is now, I drop my worries.

💖💃Garuda: Come let us sing this song to people and write our next chapter with love and intention.

 ~~~~

 💃💖Me: Hold on I still have some explorations left! As I traveled, I saw some secret spaces that I feared to enter and some paths that I never took. What do they mean?

💃💖Garuda: Those are roads not taken. Possibilities unexplored. 

Secrets are spaces we fear to go into. They are the unexpressed parts of us. The hopes we carried quietly. Dreams we let go. 

How does this secret look? What does it wear? What does it say to you?

💃💖Me : Oh I made a puppet that is neither boy nor girl, called Rainbow. They speak in this high pitched frenzied tone. 

My secret is that I can be calm and crazy, I need not fit into any description that defines a certain way of being. I am many ways of being and dont want to be fit into a box. I am not what I appear. I am unique in every way. I can be this and that and any way that feels right to me! I feel this is my unexpressed self. My secret alter self that is quirky, whacky and wild, but I that can also be calm, wise and straight!

💃💖Garuda: It appears to me that you finally found words to say who you are and how you wish to be seen! I also see you value finding your Uninhibited voice and self.

Now let us look at the roads of possibilities you did not take.  

So, what kept you on your chosen path?

💖💃Me : I guess, stability, security and avoiding risk. It was also a comfort zone for me, in order to belong and stay comfortable. I was afraid to make drastic choices (in my mind), I thought I had already been that way and hurt my family way too much. So for my family sake I had to stay on the path.

💖💃Garuda : Yes, fear is funny. It can lead us, but we can lead it too! 

Your fear came from a deep commitment to those you love – your mother and father. You did not want to lose that connection and let go of familiarity and the safety of your family. For that would mean losing connection to loved ones. It was this commitment and your desire to remain grounded that shaped your journey and made you into something that you couldn't identify with. 

Yet once the Bardo lifted, you flowed in the river and found yourselves and connected deeply with all your parts again!

(Brings out a key)

💃💖Me: What is that key in your hand?

💖💃Garuda : This is the key to the door to a part of you that you have kept hidden. Your deep longing for freedom, to follow your passion more freely. You haven’t allowed yourself to explore that fully. Have you?

💖💃Me : No, I have often held back, I was afraid of what I might lose if I went after what I truly wanted.

💃💖Garuda : Your fear was not just about failure, it was about losing connection, about being misunderstood, a desire to remain true to your relationships and your sense of responsibility. Those are the values that have shaped your choices even when you did not name them.

💖💃Me: What does the future hold for me? Where is this path taking me?

💖💃Garuda : The future is still open, even though you have followed certain paths; your values and unspoken dreams will guide you toward something new. They are waiting for you. Embrace them. 

💖💃Me : To share my talents without any inhibitions? I think I finally have found my true path and way!

Come Garuda, Up, Up and Away!! 

Flying High, High, I am a bird in the Sky

I am an eagle that flies on the breeze! 

Over mountains and forests and tress

And to go anywhere that I please!

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Now my Listeners - Readers as witness: What would you like to offer me that is a reflection of how you perceived my landscape story. What stood out for you?

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