He stared at the ocean with unseeing eyes. There was no other place to come, but here. No where else would he be able to synchronize with the roar that he felt within his heart. They beat in tandem.
The waters beat relentlessly against an indefinite shore, while his heart beat within unable to break free. So many thoughts and feelings confined within his mind begged for release but he refused them that relief. He held back the tears, the feelings, the emotions.
How many times had he come here with her? How many times had he run circles around her on this very same sand? Sometimes tickling her with his humor, bringing a smile to her face (Oh, how he loved to see her smile), and sometimes irritating her with his incessant words and queries.
She never let him out of her sight. Yet her control was not blatant, just a little subtle, as she constantly challenged him and his immature view of the world. They had a bond that not many shared, nor could understand. A relationship soaked in many hues and chiseled by many facets.
The understanding and the bond was inborn, not taught, and he had always felt that a part of her was in him. A part that taught him to respect and acknowledge. A part that taught him equality, a part that helped him see reality, a part that would make him what he was meant to be.
He could feel the emptiness within him, an ache, a slow tearing of the soul. He stood at the threshold of adulthood, and so desired to have her with him. To see him grow into the man that she had wanted him to be, the man she had created and nurtured.
Is any one prepared for death, when it wishes to enter your doors too soon, or too suddenly? What about those who are left behind?
He stared vacantly at the twilit horizon, and tried to merge his soul with the waters. The waters apparently silent but seething within. Eddies and currents that one cannot make out, dancing to distant strings distant powers. He felt the same powers acting in his life, the same seethe within and the apparent calm outside.
He had seen the slow decline, felt the pain of disease in her. The cruel treatment’s disfigurement and the agony of knowing life was a declining plane. The impact on her was not less than on him. As he learnt to handle his own feelings and present a brave shoulder to her. She had to accept this final blow and yet face it with equanimity, at least for his sake.
When death happens suddenly, then we cannot comprehend the loss, it takes a while to understand, a long while to reconcile. While death that comes after a slow and agonizing waiting period is like dousing water over burnt skin. The relief is immediate; we are relieved that our loved one is free from pain. Yet like burnt skin, the scar remains forever, etched in the heart and mind, a constant reminder of the suffering that one witnessed and experienced.
Unable to share his thoughts and unwilling to let go of his cascading emotions, he had sought the ocean to unburden himself. Just staring at the inky black sky he could feel his own insignificance and minuteness. He could literally feel the unseen powers helping him sort out his turbulent insides. He felt the unknown touch. A strange calm descended over him. He felt lighter. He knew what he had to do.
As one life disappears another appears to take its place. So also he felt his insides calm down of their own accord. He could hear her voice gently reminding him of the greater struggles ahead of him, and the challenges he still had to face. To make a life that would be meaningful to him and to others. He knew she would want him to fight through this turmoil, to succeed and not make her a cause for his failure. This thought eddied through his mind and he allowed himself to hear her voice. The tears started.
Any end is just a window to a new beginning.
He now willed himself to make a new beginning.