On Aging - arriving at the threshold to the other side!

 

Like all stories, mine is a nested story. Stories within stories.

Yet it starts at the very beginning - a very good place to start.

When you sing we begin with DO RE ME , when we read we begin with ABC, when we tell a story we begin with...

One upon a time.... there lived a 10 year old who knew a huge big tree! We had a huge tree near our lunch ground in school and the moment bell rang we would call dibs on who would get to climb the tree and eat while sitting on it. Life was full of adventure. The Magic Faraway Tree by Enid Blyton was my favorite book growing up and climbing trees was my favorite thing to do. Every day was an adventure. I was the Flame of the Forest ( Gul Mohur) bursting into movement, full of curiosity, colour and carefree was what everyone who met me told me.

At that young age of10 years, of curiosity and adventure, 40 seemed so far away and old and 50 was the age my mother would go onto have her first grandchild! I am now 49 years old and turning 50 in exactly 10 days time.

At 10 years of age when I wore my first pair of glasses, I was happy to be able to see clearly finally, but my mother cried, as she felt it made her daughter look ugly! Now when I look at myself in the mirror, I see the corrective lenses are still there, but the eyes behind those glasses have far more experience and gyan of the world around her ( atleast she thinks so).

At 10 years of age when I smiled it was spontaneous, and freely given to everyone, with not a second thought or care. Now when I look in the mirror, I see a smile that tries to fight many internal battles and dragons before it chooses to appear reluctantly!

At 10 years, I never bothered abut how I looked, I knew I looked pretty smart and I wore my prettiness and smartness without a seconds thought. Now when I look at the mirror, I see the wrinkles lining my neck and forehead, I worry about the extra hair sprouting on my chin, the gaps in my teeth and I cant even eat a meal peacefully without food particles getting stuck between them and me desperately trying to remove them!

At 10 years I was always riding my cycle somewhere, climbing a gooseberry tree, playing 7 stones with my friends. Now when I look at myself in the mirror, I see the difficult of doing even 3 surya namaskars, my pregnancy stretch marks and the loose flabby tummy, I feel the aching joints, my lethargic walking and most of all I feel my bleeding uterus and I know finally I have reached my threshold to the other side!

It was 2022 that my husband I decided to move from Bangalore to Coimbatore and the shift was so stressful that I landed up bleeding for 16 days. With a lot of trepidation, as it was a new city, new hospital and new gynecologist, I went to see the doctor. She put me on an emergency medication and hemoglobin booster and of course a battery of tests! I had officially entered Peri menopause. Tada

I went through the list of tests, there was the usual, blood work and a Genetic test and a colonoscopy in the list.

Is a colonoscopy really required doctor? I asked

She looked at me. Removed her glasses and with a lifted eyebrow said

According to your medical history, your Mother died of Colon cancer and so not only you, all your siblings must take a colonoscopy every 5 years to catch it at its earliest.

I swallowed hard and scheduled my colonoscopy.

If you have ever got colonoscopy done , you will realize that modesty is something you can write off and you have to try to imbibe 1 litre of saline water in half hour in order to clear your stomach.

At the end of it, you are pretty much left with no (in Tamil we say Soranai Illai)– no feeling

Then I was sent to the scan centre and even though I was in a state of numbness as my insides had been completely and squeakily cleaned, I could sense or make out that there was a man on the next couch (waiting couch) outside the scan room. I couldn’t care less; I looked at him apathetically and so did he – and we ignored each other – all while we clutched at our hospital outfit that barely covered our bottoms.

Luckily I was called in first and I was helped onto the scan bed, a young male doctor arrived and as I gazed at him with vague eyes , the last thing that crossed my mind was – this chap is as old as my son, then the anesthesia took over.

I must say one thing about that anesthesia experience, it was awesome – I saw psychedelia, like I was in a roller coaster and going fast through an art gallery of Van Gogh’s paintings. I loved it and before I knew it it ended, as I heard my husbands voice gently nudging me awake with Sowmya, can you hear me? Then I was conscious, in the wardroom, but still in that skimpy hospital dress.

The test results were all clear and I breathed a sigh of relief. One agni pariksha over or so I thought. But

The next time I met the gynecologist with my clean report, she said this  to me :

You should have your Uterus removed, you don’t need it now that you have had children and this constant bleeding is such a pain. I have just returned from a symposium, where I learnt a new technology to remove the Uterus through the vagina, surgery free uterus removal. I guarantee you will be free of all your issues.

I nodded my head vigorously

and came out from there as fast as I could. I felt like Alice in wonderland being chased by the rabbit down the hole! Luckily on the advice of another wise woman, my sister I never went back to that gynaec and I went speedily back to my old gynaec in Chennai.

 Looking back at those moments with the gynecologist, and looking ahead at what is store for me, I have concluded, I have reached the threshold of the other side. I am officially aging and I have to accept it.  

Yet, what my 10 year old chooses to remember ,  is the joy of the roller coaster anesthesia ride, I also realize that I have to actively keep my 10 year old alive and approach my 50’s and hopefully 60’s and 70’sbwith curiosity and a sense of adventure and cart loads of humor, where I will most probably have many and different encounters of the 3^rd kind like the one I just told you.

The Gul Mohur Tree over the years has become a Parijatha vine, delicate but fragrant, just emanating essence and wisdom, but the core of the gul mohur that one can see as its red– orange flowers can also be seen in the stalk of the Parijatha flower. 

I am still inside me and all I need to do it see the next 10 or 20 years of life, live with the same curiosity and spirit of adventure as my 10 year old self.

 God give me the Power! 

Humko Man ki shakthi dena

In the end, just three things matter -
How well we have lived
How well we have loved
How well we have learned to let go

Jack Kornfield